10 Questions to Understand Your Child

At 10–12 years old, preteens go through a lot of changes: hormones kick in, friendships grow in importance, and their sense of identity and who they are as individuals starts to form. Emotions become sharper and more complex, and worries and anxieties might become more frequent. In these moments, it’s especially important for a child to have a trusted adult nearby—someone who not only asks questions, but truly listens.

These 10 questions can help you start an honest and meaningful conversation. Your child’s answers will give you a glimpse into what they feel, what brings them joy, and what weighs on their mind. Most importantly, asking these questions will show your child that you are here, ready to listen and understand.

🫂 Ages 10–12: Helping kids talk about what matters

1. What brings you the most joy right now?

Why ask: This question helps your child focus on positive emotions and shows you what matters to them in everyday life.

You’ll discover what makes them happiest—and this will help you create more of those moments together.

2. When do you feel lonely?

Why ask: Loneliness is something many 10–12-year-olds experience but often hide. An open-ended question encourages your child to reflect and share their feelings.

You’ll show that you’re there to listen, helping your child feel supported in their relationships.

3. What thoughts or feelings are hard for you to talk about?

Why ask: Sometimes kids can’t find the words or are afraid to share their feelings directly.

This question creates a safe space where they can open up without pressure or fear of judgment—an important step toward trust and closeness.

And if they’re not ready to answer, that’s okay. You can simply say: “Whenever you feel ready to talk, I’m here.”

4. What do you feel like doing when you’re angry?

Why ask: It helps you understand how your child deals with anger and what coping strategies they use.

You’ll learn what’s behind their reactions and can guide them toward safe ways to express big emotions.

5. What’s important to you in a friendship?

Why ask: This reveals the qualities and behaviors your child values in friends—and helps you understand what they look for in their relationships.

You might also pick up on challenges they are having in their friendships so that you can support them in dealing with these.

6. What comes easily to you, and what feels hard?

Why ask: This question builds self-awareness, helping your child recognize their strengths and accept their challenges.

You’ll see where they might need extra encouragement—and where it’s time to celebrate their wins.

7. What would you change about school if you could?

Why ask: School can bring both joy and frustration. What goes on at school matters, after all, kids spend the majority of their days there.

This question uncovers what feels unfair or overwhelming to your child, so you can offer the right support.

8. How do you feel when something doesn’t work out?

Why ask: Understanding your child’s response to setbacks can help you support them better.

You’ll be there to remind them that mistakes don’t make them weaker—they’re just part of growing and learning.

9. What are you most worried about right now?

Why ask: Some worries stay hidden until we gently ask about them.

This question opens the door to talk about anxiety in a caring way—and shows your child that all feelings are valid and you’re here to help.

10. How do you feel when adults don’t understand you?

Why ask: It helps your child recognize and name their emotions when they feel misunderstood.

You’ll better understand whether they feel frustrated, hurt, angry—or something else—and can respond with more empathy and patience. You might also hear some hard things about yourself as a parent, but this is an opportunity for you to grow as well.

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At 10–12, kids want to be heard—even if they don’t always know how to say it out loud. It’s important not to rush into advice or judgment. Give your child time to talk things through, offer your support, and if you notice they’re struggling with something bigger, help them find a way forward.

References:

• Helping kids who are lonely, Child Mind Institute, 2024
• How to get your kids to open up, Positive Parenting Solutions, 2023
• Getting your kid to open up, Parents, 2022
• A systematic review of parent–child communication measures, Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 2022
• A systematic review of the evidence on the effect of parental communication about health and health behaviours on children’s health and wellbeing, Preventive Medicine, 2022