What is a Toxic Family and How to Protect Against Them?

Have you heard the phrase “toxic family” in conversation or on social media, and are wondering what it means, exactly? Or perhaps you come from a toxic family and are seeking ways to protect yourself or heal from the trauma you’ve experienced. Whether you’re looking for a definition of the words or the signs of a toxic family environment, we have plenty of information for you below.

Contents:

• What is a Toxic Family?
• Signs of a Toxic Family
• Types of Toxic Family Dynamics
• Impact on Children and Adolescents
• Coping Strategies for Parents and Children
• When to Seek Help
• FAQs

What is a Toxic Family?

Typically, toxic families exhibit harmful, dysfunctional behaviors among their members, which often lead to damaging communication issues and/or conflict. A lack of emotional support and consistent incidences of manipulation and criticism are also hallmarks of toxic family dynamics. Home environments in which there are unrealistic expectations, tensions, neglect, and even abuse may typify these types of families, making it challenging for their members to develop healthily and happily.

The impact of living in a toxic family can be long-lasting, shaping experiences well into adulthood. The first step in mitigating the damage we may still feel from growing up in a toxic family system, such as anxiety and guilt, is recognizing the situation and then, if relevant, making a plan to navigate it. You can read more about these strategies below.

Signs of a Toxic Family

PeopleImages/Shutterstock

There are several key signs of a toxic family or a toxic family member. In childhood, these include:

Consistently Not Meeting Needs

In a healthy family, kids’ needs are consistently met, whether this is providing an adequate amount of nutritious food, picking them up from school on time, or offering comfort when needed. No one is perfect, and just because you occasionally feed your child junk food or lose your patience doesn’t mean you’ve created a dysfunctional family.

However, if children’s basic needs are consistently not being met, this is a sign of a toxic family environment. Meeting these needs includes, for example, providing affection and discipline, setting healthy boundaries, taking care of their health and general well-being, ensuring they receive an education, and making sure they have clean clothes to wear and food to eat. Not allowing children the space to develop and grow may also be behaviors manifested by toxic family members.

Expectation of Meeting Unrealistic Standards

In a toxic family, parents may expect children to meet unrealistic standards or take on inappropriate tasks. For example, a child may be asked to provide emotional support as if they were another adult (or the parent’s partner), provide most of the care to younger siblings, or undertake responsibilities such as cooking or other chores that aren’t age-appropriate.

Consistent Harsh Criticism

Reprimanding your child’s behavior now and then is a normal part of family life. However, criticism that makes a person feel unloved, unwanted, or inferior isn’t, and can be a sign of a toxic family environment. Criticism should always focus on the behavior—rather than being an attack on the child’s character or abilities—and be constructive.

Denying or Minimizing Past Harms

While healthy families are able to talk about past issues and show empathy and compassion, toxic family members often deny or minimize these things, refusing to take any accountability or show remorse. Sometimes, this is a form of gaslighting, with the affected family member eventually believing that they have “misremembered” an incident or were in some way to blame.

Withholding Affection

Some toxic family members withhold their affection as a punishment, ultimately making children feel they’re never good enough and that love is something to be earned, rather than freely given. Where this is the case, the toxic individual may use coldness, distance, or silence to punish any behavior they don’t like, instead of talking things through.

Read more: Toxic Parents: Signs, Effects and Dealing Tips in Adulthood.

While these signs highlight how toxicity can show up in individual behaviors, it’s also important to look at the bigger picture. Often, these behaviors combine into recognizable toxic family dynamics that shape the overall environment in which children grow up.

Types of Toxic Family Dynamics

There are different types of toxic family dynamics. In controlling families, one or both parents take a very dominant role in decision-making, with little (or no) space left for kids to develop and become independent. When a child, teenager (or even adult child) attempts to make a decision for themselves, this could be overridden “for their own good.”

Addicted families are those in which one or more members are struggling with a form of addiction, whether this is in relation to alcohol, drugs, or something else. This addiction, and the behaviors associated with it, affect everyone in the family, possibly causing a chaotic or even unsafe home environment. When it comes to enmeshed families, there is no sense of boundaries. Individual identities could be blurred, and there may be excessive closeness, with parents relying on their kids for emotional support, as if they were a partner or friend. Ongoing feelings of obligation and guilt are often the legacy of growing up in this type of toxic family.

In emotionally dismissive families, emotions are likely to be seen as a weakness. Displays of affection may be few and far between, or even non-existent, with kids’ emotional needs consistently minimized or ignored. Abusive families are those where verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse is present, with feelings of fear dominating daily life. The home environment is generally an unsafe one in these families.

Neglectful families are typified by basic needs such as affection, attention, and supervision going unmet, with parents maybe being absent mentally, emotionally, or physically. Children growing up in these families could experience deep insecurities as a result or, conversely, be hyper-independent, having gotten used to taking care of themselves. In scapegoating families, one member, usually a child, is blamed for everything. These children are often excluded, punished, or criticized, while other members (often a sibling) are praised. For example, a son is blamed for all the family’s problems, while a daughter is viewed as perfect in every way.

Another type of toxic family dynamic is that of competition and oppression. This dynamic is typically brought about when one or both parents feel jealous of their children, perhaps because their own life is unfulfilling or due to the opening of wounds from their own childhood experiences. While deep down, these parents feel very proud of their kids, they may behave in quite the opposite way, perhaps through subtle criticism, by giving backhanded compliments, or showing scorn.

A perfectionist and image-conscious family dynamic can also be toxic. Here, there’s an emphasis on maintaining a certain family “image” over authenticity, or meeting unrealistic, unattainable standards as a family. With this type of toxic family, it’s all about appearances and accomplishments. Perceived “imperfections” may be hidden, mistakes not tolerated, and parents may encourage their kids to strive towards an unrealistic level of attainment.

Chaos is a further toxic family dynamic, which could manifest as disorganized and with a lack of routines, healthy rules, and structure. Instability, turmoil, frequent parental relationships and breakups, inconsistent emotional involvement, and chronic adult unemployment are all the hallmarks of this type of toxic family environment.

Impact on Children and Adolescents

Zenza Flarini/Shutterstock

The effect of toxic families on the mental health of children and adolescents (not to mention adults) can be profound. Some of the most commonly affected areas are:

Psychological and Emotional Development

Kids exposed to toxic family dynamics may experience feelings of insecurity, increased stress, and anxiety. Ongoing, this can have a negative impact on children’s and teens’ psychological and emotional development.

Academic Performance and Social Skills

A child’s ability to regulate their emotions and carry out a range of normal social interactions can be impeded when growing up in a dysfunctional family dynamic. As well as causing problems at school, this can also make it more challenging for children to make and maintain healthy friendships.

Behavior Issues

Kids from toxic families may be more likely to exhibit behavior issues, for many reasons, often dependent on the nature of the dysfunctional environment. Further, as adults, these grown children, having been conditioned to difficult family dynamics, may find it a struggle to maintain healthy relationships.

Other Effects of Growing Up in a Toxic Family

There are many other ways growing up as part of a toxic family can affect a child or adolescent. These include:

• Issues interacting with authority figures
• Poor self-esteem
• Problems showing compassion to others
• Difficulty dealing with responsibility
• Quick to anger or high sensitivity to criticism, even of the constructive kind
• Need for constant validation from others
• Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and guilt
• Increased fear of abandonment or rejection
• Trust issues and problems with boundaries
• A tendency to self-sabotage
• Feelings of disassociation or emotional numbness

Coping Strategies for Parents and Children

If you grew up within a toxic family or are still in contact with a toxic family member, effective coping strategies can help manage the situation and provide both psychological and emotional protection.

Put Boundaries in Place

First and foremost, as an adult, it’s vital to create boundaries when it comes to toxic family members. This can feel really hard to do, but it is one of the best means of limiting the damage they can cause.

Boundaries are about whatever feels right to you, so take some time to carefully consider what you need. They could be around the amount of time you spend in contact with this person (perhaps a ten-minute phone call once a week), or the behavior you are prepared to tolerate. It’s a good idea to also think about the consequences of a boundary being crossed.

Limit Contact

As we touched on above, limiting contact can be an effective way for grown children to navigate their relationship with a toxic family member. If there’s a likelihood you’ll have to be in the presence of this person—perhaps at a family wedding or other occasion—be sure to have plenty of supportive people around you, and try not to allow yourself to be left alone with the toxic family member.

Depending on the nature of the toxicity, it may also be worth thinking carefully about the information you disclose to a troublesome family member. You might wish to keep personal details, or things that could be used against you in the future, to yourself. In some cases, it may be best to cut off contact completely.

Have a Great Support System in Place

It’s particularly important that adults with experience of toxic family members have a strong support system in place to offset negativity and provide counsel and care. Having good friends can help build your self-esteem, too, which may have taken a hit as a result of your childhood (and ongoing) experiences.

Avoid Engaging

It can feel almost impossible to avoid engaging with a toxic family member, especially when they’re being argumentative, provocative, or otherwise difficult. Try very hard not to do this: it will likely only disturb your peace of mind and stir up lots of angry feelings. It can help to remember that the individual probably knows, deep down, that what is being said is untrue, and is simply trying to get the reaction they’re looking for. By withholding this, you don’t fan the flames or allow them to manipulate you into responding in a way you’ll regret.

Focus on Your Own Well-Being

Dealing with a toxic family or difficult family member can feel all-consuming. Be sure to prioritize your own well-being, whatever’s going on. This will help you maintain an emotional balance and, hopefully, put a buffer between yourself and the impact of the toxic family.

Don’t Try to Change Them

For your peace of mind, avoid trying to change the toxic family member, however tempting this may be. Ultimately, it’s very unlikely the individual will change their mindset and behavior, and trying to make them do so could only cause you more trauma. Instead, recognize the situation for what it is, take steps to mitigate it (by putting boundaries in place, for example), and focus on yourself and your own needs instead.

Use Technology

Findmykids app

If you’re the parent of a child who has contact with another family member that you’re concerned is a toxic influence, technology can help. You could consider using a high-quality parental control app, like the popular option Findmykids, to keep track of your kids’ movements when they’re not with you. As well as having the peace of mind that you’ll always know exactly where your children are when they’re not at home, you can also use the tool to monitor and manage what your kids view online.

When to Seek Help

Sometimes, the impact of living with a toxic family is so damaging that it’s vital to seek outside help. If you suspect a child is being neglected or abused, it is absolutely crucial to notify the authorities as soon as possible.

If you’re an adult child who is still dealing with the fallout of growing up in a toxic family environment, or perhaps is still in contact with a toxic family member, and you’re struggling with your mental health, it’s also important to seek help. Whether you feel depressed, anxious, full of guilt, are having difficulty forming healthy relationships, or simply need to talk to someone about your experiences, there are plenty of options available in terms of therapy and counselling.

Moving On From the Shadow of a Toxic Family

Living in a toxic family can have both profound and long-lasting effects, with adults who’ve grown up in such family dynamics often experiencing issues such as depression or problems forming attachments.

There are strategies you can deploy to deal with toxic family members you’re still in contact with, from setting clear boundaries to limiting—or even cutting off—contact. It’s vital to understand that some of the issues you may be experiencing are a result of what has happened, and not your fault. Counseling can be a great way to process things and help navigate the way forward. And don’t forget proper self-care: we promise, you’re worth taking care of!

FAQs

How do you know if your family is toxic?

There are several key signs that your family may be toxic. These include consistently not meeting the needs of children, unrealistic expectations, a tendency to frequent, harsh criticism, laying all the blame on one child while the other is viewed as the “golden” child, or a family where there is addiction, neglect, or abuse.

How to deal with a very toxic family?

There are various strategies that can be deployed for grown adults to deal with a very toxic family. These may revolve around limiting contact (or cutting off contact entirely), setting clear boundaries, and avoiding engagement.

What is a toxic family member?

A toxic family member may exhibit controlling or manipulative behavior or, at the other end of the spectrum, act neglectfully. They may also be prone to giving consistently harsh and unconstructive criticism, having unrealistic expectations, or acting neglectfully.

How to tell a toxic family member?

There are several telltale signs of a toxic family member. They may be manipulative and controlling or, conversely, neglectful and not meet the physical or emotional needs of their children. Some toxic family members are abusive—if you know a child who you think is being abused in any way, it’s imperative to report this to the authorities.

Cover image: DimaBerlin/Shutterstock