When Kids Act Out: 5 Surprising Reasons Why

If your child is being stubborn, irritable, or snapping back at you, it’s natural to look for conspicuous “big” answers in their personality, school issues, or parenting styles. But sometimes the cause is less obvious—and no less important. Here are five sometimes subtle reasons your child’s behavior might be troubling or change, and how you can gently support them.

1. Perfectionism and fear of failure

A child might refuse to follow requests or try something new not out of defiance, but because they’re afraid they won’t do it perfectly. This is especially common in kids who set high standards for themselves—sometimes unrealistic, and worry about disappointing their parents or teachers.

📌 What can help: Try praising effort rather than outcome. Let your child know mistakes are okay—they’re how we all learn. Share your own stories too: “It was hard for me too at first” or “I didn’t get it right the first time either.” Be sure to let them know if they are trying but do fall short, you and their teachers won’t be disappointed in them.

2. Low emotional awareness

If your child seems unsympathetic or doesn’t apologize when they hurt someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re being mean. They might simply find it hard to read emotions or to respond appropriately—something that can be improved over time.

📌 What can help: Talk about emotions together. Discuss how characters in books or movies might feel, and how their actions affect others. Discuss how it looks and feels when they are kind, and when they are not, what they could have done instead. When your child shows kindness, point it out. Empathy takes time to grow, and your support plays a big part in that.

3. Hidden anxiety

Kids don’t always show anxiety the way adults do. Instead of saying “I’m scared,” they may act out—with anger, tantrums, or even aggression. It can look like they’re being “difficult,” when they’re actually overwhelmed inside and don’t yet have the words to explain it.

📌 What can help: Help your child name and understand their feelings: “It seems you’re angry right now. Is something bothering you? Could you be feeling scared?” Connecting what your child is feeling physically (such as tummy butterflies, sweaty palms, racing heart) with their thoughts can facilitate this understanding for them.
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Create a calm, predictable environment with simple routines. Teach them relaxation techniques, like breathing exercises or bedtime rituals. Many kids benefit from being encouraged to journal as well. And rather than punishing behavior, try to understand what’s behind it.

4. Conflict at home

Children are sensitive to the emotional atmosphere around them. Even if adults try to hide stress, kids pick up on tone, body language, or silence. They might not understand the situation, but they can sense the tension—and act out as a way to say, “I don’t feel safe.”

📌 What can help: Stay emotionally connected with your child, even during hard times. Talk to them in simple, honest ways, and reassure them that the adults are handling things. Ask if they have any questions, and try to keep their daily routine steady—it helps them feel secure.

5. Reaction to parenting style

A child’s behavior often reflects how we parent. Research shows that a parenting style marked by harsh discipline, constant criticism, or lack of emotional support can trigger aggression, defiance, or withdrawal in kids. On the opposite side of the spectrum, parenting that is permissive with few boundaries and expectations can lead to kids acting out because they have few guardrails and feel unsettled. It’s their way of saying: “I don’t feel heard.”

📌 What can help: Talk to your child with respect, even when you need to set boundaries and say “no.” Try explaining the reason behind your decisions: “I’m asking you to turn off the tablet because it’s late, and you need to rest.” Offer choices when possible, and show that their opinion matters. Feeling respected and knowing you are a safe, responsible adult helps kids become more open and cooperative.

None of these reasons means you’ve done something wrong. They’re reminders that behind every action is a feeling—and every feeling is worth hearing. You won’t always get it right the first time, and that’s okay, too. You’re doing your best—and that’s already a lot!

References:

• The neurodevelopmental basis of early childhood disruptive behavior: Irritable and callous phenotypes as exemplars, American Journal of Psychiatry, 2017
• Evidence base update for psychosocial treatments for disruptive behaviors in children, Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 2017
• Bidirectional relations between parenting and behavior problems from age 8 to 13 in nine countries, Journal of Research on Adolescence, 2018
• Why kids act out: Tips to help your child cope with stress, Healthychildren.org, 2024.