Why Do Kids Hit Each Other? Insights Into Toddler and Older Kids’ Hitting

Many parents face this conundrum, and the question can cause real distress: Why do kids hit? After all, we’ve done our best to model good practices and teach our little ones what’s right and wrong, and yet we’re still dealing with the problem of toddler hitting. Rest assured, hitting is common behavior, and there are plenty of steps you can take to stop it. We’ve got the answers you need below.

Contents:

• Why Do Kids Hit Other Kids?
• Is it Normal for Kids to Hit?
• What to Do When Your Child Hits Another Child?
• What to Do When Your Child Hits You?
• Long-Term Strategies to Prevent Hitting
• When to Seek Professional Help?
• What If Your Child Is the One Being Hit?
• Staying Connected, Even When You’re Not There
• FAQs

Why Do Kids Hit Other Kids?

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There are many reasons kids hit, and getting to the bottom of the cause is crucial to stop it from happening. Toddlers’ hitting is frequently down to frustration. Very young children often don’t have the words to say what they want or need, or to express their anger. When a toddler hits, it’s usually a way to express their feelings—or an attempt to get their own way. In most cases, toddlers grow out of hitting, as well as other aggressive behaviors such as biting and kicking, as their vocabulary grows and they learn what is acceptable behavior and how to regulate their emotions.

When children reach preschool age, they may continue to hit as they develop their emotional and social skills. Kids hitting at this age is often still down to frustration, or can represent an attempt to assert dominance over other kids, or even parents. By the time they reach school age, most children are hitting less frequently, if at all. Where it does occur, it may be during moments of conflict or stress, or as a reaction to a perceived injustice or power struggle.

Physical aggression, such as hitting or pushing, is much less common in teenagers, but does happen. Trying to test boundaries and assert independence can cause this behavior, which may rear up in response to heightened emotions.

When it comes to hitting, it’s important to be aware that there can be medical reasons behind these actions. ADHD often manifests as poor decision-making skills and impulsivity, both of which can lead to a child hitting, while mood disorders like depression or bipolar disorder can also cause frustration, irritability, and a tendency to lash out. Injury and trauma may also be responsible for a toddler or older child acting aggressively. All of these things should be ruled out if a child is consistently acting aggressively and seems unable to control or regulate their behavior.

Is it Normal for Kids to Hit?

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While it can have parents tearing their hair out, toddlers hitting, pushing, and the like, is a pretty normal stage of young childhood. In a recent survey from Parent Data, 75% of parents with a child aged four and over said their kid had, at some point, hit another child. The same survey, which involved almost 5,000 parents, also revealed that just over half of toddlers engage in hitting behavior, which is much rarer in children under one year old and over eleven years old.

What to Do When Your Child Hits Another Child?

Ok, we’ve established that a toddler hitting others is not an uncommon scenario, but it still needs to be addressed. Whenever a child, whether a very young kid or a teenager, hits others, it’s vital to get to the bottom of what’s happened and teach them that aggression isn’t the way to get what they want or handle conflict. Showing children alternative ways to handle their emotions, both at home and at school, is the key.

First of all, if your young kid has hit another child, immediately step in and ask the child that was hit if they’re ok, allowing your own child to witness this. Don’t force an apology, but ask your toddler if they’d like to see if the other kid is ok. As well as modeling empathy, taking attention away from your child to the one who was hit pulls this attention away from the hitting behavior itself.

Stay Calm

No matter how old your child is, it’s important to stay calm when they hit. Try not to lose your cool or shame your kid, and never hit back. You may want to help them get control of their emotions using, for example, simple breathing techniques or a time-out system. Don’t give in; simply stop the tantrum—this is a sure way to store up trouble for later.

The Aftermath

In the aftermath of the incident, talk to your child about what happened, and work through—together—some different ways to handle their frustration or anger in the future. The nature of this conversation will depend on the age of your kid. For a younger child, it could involve a system of rewards, while helping older kids practice problem-solving skills can be effective.

The Importance of Empathy

Teaching your toddler or older child empathy is a really important element of stopping hitting, biting, and pushing others. Ask your kid how they think their actions make others feel, and how they would feel if someone had done the same to them. Role-playing different home and school scenarios can be a great way to practice empathetic responses, and, for parents, modeling empathy is vital. If your child hits, talking to them about empathy can be a powerful means of getting them to think about—and ultimately stop—this unwanted behavior.

Consistent Boundaries

Setting consistent boundaries and always following through on consequences is a key tool in your box regarding stopping your child from hitting another kid. Parents should talk with their children and be really clear about what behavior is expected of them and what is not acceptable.

Hitting, pushing, biting, and the like should always fall into the latter category and never be ignored, no matter how difficult. Kids will quickly realize if consequences aren’t always followed through on, and take advantage of this, making putting a stop to physically aggressive behavior a longer process.

What to Do When Your Child Hits You?

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It’s happened: your toddler has hit you. What should you do next? Firstly, remove anything reinforcing the behavior. This could be an object, your reaction, or simply your attention. Now set the boundary. In a firm tone of voice and using minimal words, tell your child that you will not allow them to hit you or others. Next, move away and, while not ignoring your toddler, do not give the hitting any more attention.

If they now choose another way of trying to communicate what they want or need to you, such as through words, gestures, pointing, or simply being playful, respond positively to this. By doing so, you’re showing your young child that hitting, pushing, biting, etc., is not the way to get the response they want.

Long-Term Strategies to Prevent Hitting

For parents, it’s not just about having a plan of action for when kids hit. A long-term strategy can be an effective way of consistently rewarding non-aggressive behavior and help ensure your child has the tools to regulate their emotions once they start school.

Here are some ideas to get started:

• Try emotional regulation tools, such as deep breathing techniques and calm-down corners.
• Have a go at role-playing a variety of reactions, so kids can think about ways to react differently next time.
• Be sure to reinforce positive behavior. If you notice your toddler sharing nicely with another child when they otherwise may have hit, reward this. Simply praising desirable behavior can work wonders, and be sure to tell your kid exactly why you’re so pleased with them.
• Having a predictable routine in place helps kids feel safe and can help stop aggressive behavior. Think about the routine you currently follow. If your child hits at a certain time of day, could moving their nap or meal times make things better?
• Focus on repairing the situation or making amends, rather than shaming the hitting, pushing, biting, etc. If your child hits, this can be really hard, but by focusing on taking responsibility for their actions towards others, parents are endorsing an empathetic approach, which will, hopefully, be an effective way to stop aggression long term.
• Young children often don’t understand what they’re feeling—sadness, anger, frustration. You can help by naming those emotions for them: “You’re upset because your toy broke,” or “You’re angry because you wanted to go first.” When kids learn to recognize their feelings, they’re more likely to express them in words, not with hitting.
• Sometimes kids hit simply because they don’t know another way to get attention or ask for what they need. Gently model alternatives by saying things like, “If you need something, you can say, ‘Mom, help me, please.’” Over time, they’ll start using these words themselves.

When to Seek Professional Help?

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If your child hits or demonstrates other aggressive behavior (such as biting, pushing, or kicking others), it’s important to know the signs that it’s time to seek professional help. If an older child begins hitting, this can be a red flag alerting to an underlying issue, or if the hitting is particularly severe and consistent, whatever age your child is, this is another cue to speak to a professional.

If your child hits and this is causing harm to themselves or others, or is interfering with their ability to take part in normal activities (such as going to school, enjoying family outings, or making friends), then it’s also important to seek professional help to address the issue.

What If Your Child Is the One Being Hit?

So far, we’ve concentrated on the question of why do kids hit, but there’s another side to the coin. What if it’s your child being hit by others? What’s the best way to stop this from happening, either at home or at school?

First of all, teaching kids to have confidence and stand up for themselves (safely) is crucial. Build your child’s self-esteem by teaching and modelling self-love, praising their efforts (not just results), and encouraging independence and decision-making. This will also help your little one feel safe, heard, and supported.

If your child attends nursery, pre-school, or school, speak to staff members or teachers about what’s happening, so that they can keep an eye on the situation and stop any aggressive behavior. When another kid hits your child, it can be very triggering for parents. Try to stay calm and work with teachers to resolve the problem.

Staying Connected, Even When You’re Not There

Findmykids app

As our children get older, parents can’t stay constantly connected to their offspring, and what’s going on while kids are out of the house or at school can be a real worry. The Findmykids parental control app can help. Offering accurate geolocation features, the app allows parents to keep tabs on their kids’ routes and whereabouts. Another great tool is the SOS feature that allows parents to listen in if their child finds themselves in a bad situation—perhaps they’re in the company of a kid who hits, for example—to locate them quickly.

What makes Findmykids stand out is its thoughtful design for families. The app doesn’t just track location—it sends notifications when your child arrives at or leaves key places, like school, home, or an after-school activity. This helps parents stay informed without needing to constantly check in, giving children more freedom while still providing parents with peace of mind. Plus, the ability to see battery levels on your child’s device ensures you’re never left wondering why they’re suddenly offline.

Ready to make family safety just a little easier? Try downloading Findmykids and explore its features together with your child—it’s a great way to open a conversation about independence, responsibility, and staying connected.

Your Child Hits? This Too Shall Pass

Many parents have to deal with their child hitting, pushing, or biting others during the toddler years. The behavior can sometimes persist into the school and adolescent years, although in most cases it calms down well before this. If your child continues to be physically aggressive or the situation is particularly difficult, it’s important to consult with your healthcare practitioner to rule out conditions such as ADHD, which can exacerbate the frustrations and impulsivity that often lead to hitting.

However, for the vast majority of us parents, the toddler hitting years are yet another case of “this too shall pass.” Use our guide above to help navigate this period, teach your child empathy, and create a long-term strategy to help give your kid the emotional and social skills vital for home and school life.

FAQs

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Is it normal for a child to hit another child?

During the toddler years, it’s very common for a child to hit another child. Aggressive physical behavior, such as hitting, pushing, or biting, is often the result of frustration or due to emotional overwhelm, and tends to stop as a child gets older.

Is hitting related to ADHD or autism?

If a child hits, it can be related to ADHD or autism. These conditions can cause issues around impulsivity, decision-making, frustration, and emotional regulation, all of which may result in (or exacerbate) hitting.

How do I stop my child from hitting other children?

To stop your child from hitting other children, it’s important to set consistent boundaries, follow through on consequences, reward good behavior, and teach the importance of empathy.

How do you discipline a child who hits another child?

If your child hits another child, discipline could take the form of a time-out or a loss of privileges, depending on their age. Taking away attention from the child who has hit is important to help demonstrate that their behavior has not elicited the desired response.

Cover image: Marko Duca/Shutterstock